kinky is a imp

2011-05-17T23:21:00.000-07:00

BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have moved to

2011-04-17T05:54:00.001-07:00

I'd never get bored of watching joel sleep, for one it is one of the most peaceful things to watch because he always looks like he's smiling. Teeth grinding too, bad but kinda cute. My cats and pet gecko pretty much nudge him aside for space in first place of ' cutest sleeping things to look at ' . There's my gecko on my shoulder and there's me in joel's army gortex (?), trying to be kenny southpark.

Navel piercing's healing well, it's been a hectic week running about and im excited for the ad. Stressed yes, but excited nonetheless. Moneyyyy!!!!!! :D

And of course i cant wait to see how my school days will fill out. Hopefully i'll be able to work on the sides as well, i do miss powerhouse alot. My plans in the making as well :) i think waiting would do some good.

And god damnit , you know the feeling of finally getting stuff off your chest to the intended outlet even if nothing happens? It is fucking awesome. I can't believe i'd actually requested for you to get off scott free, that's two times lucky for you bitch. But between saving my ass or yours in an ultimatum, mine's to keep. oh how i'd love to see you give it another go, I'd rip your ugly head right off.

And the sparrow on weed screeched.

Life as we know it,

2011-04-17T05:34:00.000-07:00

will always be filled with dickheads.
Just got to know which ones to keep away and which ones to castrate.

Hey There Delilah

2011-04-09T14:14:00.000-07:00

I do adore this Hey There Delilah cover i found, my favourite so far.

And i finally got my navel pierced after lusting over it for ages, the boyfriend was really sweet to pay half because he just got his pay. Felt as though i was giving birth what with the piercer going ' Do you want to hold his hand ? ' (hahahahaha) and ' okay breathe in and out, deep breaths. They'll help. '.

The pain wasn't as bad as my monroe but the transfer was a bit of a bitch i kinda yelped. Hats off to anyone who does piercings for themselves; I could never go through the ordeal of prepping up in the knowing of the pain that I'll inflict on myself and the piercing through the flesh part. Seriously, I think tattoos are way below piercings in the pain department, if only i could finish up the ones i wanted to do ... .... ):

2011-04-09T00:30:00.001-07:00

Just did a sakura buffet with the family ... Oh look! Gigantic pufferfish!

And the sparrow on weed screeched.

Say hi

2011-04-08T09:10:00.001-07:00

To my temperamental nameless gecko.

And the sparrow on weed screeched.

Hieee

2011-04-07T11:27:00.001-07:00

So a few things have changed since i last wrote here. I completed my exams, i got a pet gecko, i got my new specs, i had my journey with GEMS 6, i broke my chuzzle high score, i saw sleeping chuzzles, i got my results ( still have to retake bpharm but im actually looking forward to it ) , and joel and i are another month older.

Alot of feelings i have, post GEMS but im leaving that for some other time. And alot of feelings i have, for failing bpharm again. I get numb to failing after these 3 years, not just studies but anything else i consider a personal failure, but im just glad im not used to it. And thank god i passed the rest! I pray i can proceed smoothly with my attachment still! It was so good that when i broke the news of results to myself , joel was there and there to tell me ' c'mere you need a hug' . I love hugs, they soothe me.

As you can see, my boyfriend busied himself while i was peacefully hugging his pillow and was obviously trying to suppress a giggle in the first blurry shot ._. Good night!

And the sparrow on weed screeched.

Do i love me?

2011-03-29T07:49:00.000-07:00

I type this nursing eyes which have bravely weathered the pain of the past two days of infection. Good job babies.

I went to school for training today with swollen red tiny slits I call eyes and i actually din't mind. I would usually never be caught dead without makeup at all, strangely, in such an ugly state I actually felt less self conscious than i usually do. Which fires off an ironic paradox in my mind which I've yet to figure out. Soon, soon i will and i will be back.

I stared into the questioning eyes of Self-love again today. Much later from the whole dance incident, and was just repeatedly fired the same question , " Do I love me?". After years of playing tug-o-war with the two sides, I still have narry an answer. It annoys me.

Self-esteem issues are like known allergies. Sometimes the allergies affect you as much as a flick of a finger- some rash, some annoyance, some mild discomfort... Othertimes it hits you full blown, red angry bumps of hives, severe annoyance and painful discomfort... You know what blows them up so you avoid them, you teeter around those edges of safety precariously because you never know when you'd fall into that ugly hole. You never know when that unsuspecting hive-inducing peanut is going to spring into your mouth during dessert. You never know when it could hit you, despite all those precautions you take, despite how careful you are... And when it does it bothers you more, because you did try to keep your guard up...but it wouldn't go away.

Then it hurts sometimes and makes it harder to give a nod to the question when people say " I'm afraid to say anything. I don't know what might end up upsetting you. ". It's tantamount to a table of 10 cutting out their coveted order just because it had peanuts and you were allergic to it. It makes you feel bad. Yes you do appreciate their care, but it doesn't make you feel any better. You'd wish you were better. Better enough to not be such an inconvenience. You could be treading around those edges so carefully but just one little slip of accident and the whole world treats you like a seedling.

"Don't apologise. You can, for hurting me. But don't apologise for saying something if you mean it ". I have my times of falter, times when the wind passed is enough to be near breaking me. But I've yet to be.

Bpharm

2011-03-24T09:22:00.001-07:00

My bpharm notes which i excitedly showed to joel yesterday when he came over with dinner. I'm so proud of them! Took me bloody long to get them done cos i wanted them to be perfect, colour scheme and all haha. It makes studying for bpahrm much enjoyable tho, cos i structured the notes in the most visually appealing manner to myself. Please let me pass, please let me passssss....

And the sparrow on weed screeched.

2011-03-24T06:33:00.000-07:00

“I think love is a useless word for descriptions these days. Love binds and pulls and tugs and shatters, breaks and stirs and murders and revives, all at once. Love is a word turned into a full stop in teenagers’ conversations, peppered all over to spice a bowl of bland sentence soup. Love is an excuse for not loving. Love is an inspiration for the most handsome things in the world. Love is a justification for the ugliest things in the world. Love is indefinable, yet has its place in every single dictionary, in probably every single language.

And I won’t be hypocritical; I’m one of these people who exploit the word like breaths of air. It’s almost like a hello and goodbye in every conversation. It’s a “hey Tim, bye Tim, I love you Tim.” kind of thing. Its things you say drunkenly to strangers, or things you say to people you don’t really care about at all. Yet you can wake up one morning, to the most beautiful face you know, and know that this was the one, this was the one for sure, this was the one that makes your heart want to describe colours that don’t exist and the one that makes you want to stop time as you kiss and you lose your head into a blind space.

And all you could offer is the same “I love you” you praised your mom as she packed you pbnj sandwiches for lunch.

I could say I loved you, and be right and wrong all at once. I could say I loved you, and then squeeze in a “but”, but that would be like drawing a bold line in permanent marker across a Mona Lisa painted in gold with rubies and diamonds embedded in the details. I could say I love you. I could mouth it. Write it down. Paint it on paper and etch it on trees. But no. I don’t love you. I will never say it and mean it.

I will show you.”

—— Nova Halle

Words of affection stirr the murmurs of the heart, but nothing could ever replace the assurance of affection in actions. Found this beautifully written piece online and I couldn't agree with the content more. There would always be times when the words string along the truest of emotions as it's said, but there are others when it's become a watered down version of its original existence- just an acknowledgement of existence to be exact.

Here's Speechless by The Veronicas which lyrics ring true to how i feel now.

And the MBIO paper was pure massacre, it killed me enough times to be one. I spend the last 10 min playing with a beetle crawling across my paper hoping it might grant me with an epiphany of some sort seeing that i saved it from being squashed by exam scripts. What a way to die. While lamenting my woes to joel the words " It's like I'm immune to failure despite hardwork already". Obviously I was pissed that despite studying my mind still drew an almost blank but it's no longer THAT bad. Then it dawned on me that my rebound rate for shit-that-happens was getting better. I guess the cliche is true ( as they always are ) , what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

BPHARM TOMORROW AND THEN MY MIND CAN GO ON A HOLIDAY WHILE MY BODY TOLLS FOR TRAINING. So appealing, really.

2011-03-23T13:45:00.000-07:00

4:45am, I have just stirred awake. Stupid alarm, I'd barely had 2 hours of shuteye and here I am up at my table getting ready to douse myself in more content. The coffee's gone, the muffin's barely touched and my cigarettes nearly depleted, I wish I had coffee now. A cup of mocha frappe and a new box of menthols so I wouldn't have to worry about running out. It's been a couple of days but I already miss a life off tenterhooks , of hours of dance and senseless fun and being allow to just heave and breathe and relax. Lying in bed with or without the one i love and slipping off into a blanket of comfort, that safe little blanket of not much to worry about. Now each day i toss in bed alone, I wimper about stress to the love and i slept that little bit less soundly because at the back of my head, something's just nagging at me. So, I guess this is how it is when you're back to piecing a puzzle, mild irritation at the gaps unfixed, mild headache because that incomplete puzzle is staring back at you and mild joy that gets greater as it slowly tumbles to completion. And euphoria, at the end of it. Getting my ass out of school the first puzzle i'll have to fix, and miles to go before i sleep...

Mommy and haul

2011-03-23T08:18:00.001-07:00

So my mum went on a little shopping spree and came back with a bagload of haul. Apart from the moshino perfume set and another loewe perfume set, everything else were free gifts from the counter guy! From the guess clutch, to the moschino bag to the beyonce atomizer... :D

i love fragances, my eyes light up everytime i get a new bottle. I've kept all the empty bottles all the way from my first Anna Sui Wish ones. And here's two more to my collection. I am a happy girl, despite my impending doom with mbio. Sigh. I can't wait for freedom from the books.

And finally muffins and coffee to get me through the night.

And the sparrow on weed screeched.

2011-03-22T21:19:00.001-07:00

1. Chuzzle the single most awesome game on my iphone

2. I have gone from 'baby' to 'bro' and from 'audrey' to lynard.

3. Some superabsorbent towel turban my mum bought from watson so that water would stop dripping all over the place after i bathe. Yes i do dry my hair, but it seems never ending.

4. How i had to write for half an hour because my finger was bruised from writing too much.

And the sparrow on weed
screeched.

2011-03-20T03:28:00.000-07:00

I like it when people put words into actions, when they actually DO reflect when they say they would/do. It's really tiring trying to talk sense with pompous idiots who want to act the top of the game, the masquerade of perfection by easily shooting out the words " I reflect about my actions all the time". The clock will strike eventually, the party will come to a close and the masks would soon drop. Ugly. Ugly is how the after party turns out. It's like spinning the bottle, it's never yours to take when you spin it. Someone else will be choosing truth/dare. Someone else. Someone else, always would.

Nightmares and Beauty

2011-03-17T05:15:00.000-07:00

I woke up to the worst nightmare this afternoon, thankfully in the arms of Joel to whom i gasped an exasperated" Oh my god" to . The words of each painful detail rushed out of me, just like my tears. The nightmare was so real and the ache i felt in it was so unimaginably unbearable, an emotion so strong and dreaded , nothing I've ever felt in the waking could compare. But i woke up. The first crack of eye to the rays streaming into my room, the first face that i saw and it sank in " It was only just a dream ". Ironic it was that the face to torment me in my dreams, was the one to soothe me in reality.

Ironic, hauntingly beautiful it is... how dreams can feel so real, how reality can feel so surreal.

wanderlust

2011-03-16T11:31:00.000-07:00

So this is Wanderlust II, the part after baby comes over after camp and Max decided to shoot the both of us. Pictures show us in certain states of undress so... if you're uncomfortable, I'd suggest a quick bye.

I have always wanted to take such photos for my wedding but i got to do it now which is beyond awesome for me. Unfortunately, two numb skulls are no better than one so when modelling idiots like me and baby were put up to it, we.... had troubles with poses. Of course we had certain spots of brilliance, but not much haha. One point Max even told us " Oei! This one not wedding photo ! ", generic hold-each-other-and-hug-with-a-smile-of-marital-bliss-face.

So here are the favourites, sans all the cellulite showing, fat blobbling and wonky eyed ones.

SIGH, our kids are destined to have fat cheeks ( ._. ) like us. And my body is aching from the 3 hours of reggae , i predict an extremely stiff neck when i wake up. Now's time to canoodle with my notes again, i wished i had menthols but my sampoerna's have lasted me 5 days now. What a feat.

2011-03-15T11:16:00.001-07:00

It's 1.21am and i'm psyching myself to pull an all nighter. Approximately 2 weeks more to my supp papers, such an early preparation is (shamefully) quite new. Even during my chungcheng days i was always a last min mugger, until o levels that is, which i clocked in 7am-9pm book whoring for 3 months straight.

Imagine that, i barely left my table, never allowed myself the slightest enjoyment else i'd be stricken with guilt. The only time i'd be in contact with anyone other than my grandma and aunt was during tuition. Of which i'd stone away drowning in academic text and wistfully listening to my friends planning study outings. I never went for any of those even when they asked, thinking that going out at all meant fun, thinking i wouldn't study, so there i was stuck at my desk.

The conversations i had with my mum never went pass the mark of 5 and were nothing more than calls of 5 short minutes. I never saw her for that 3 months. In fact I never really talked to anyone, trapped deeper within the walls i had imprisoned myself.

There were many a time when i'd break down and cry.. from stress, from the emptiness, from my morbid self esteem issues, from battling ugly anorexia and from the loneliness. But i couldn't let myself falter, i couldn't deal with failure, i couldn't even bear the thought of being an inch away from my perfect streak of A1s, i couldn't bear being anything less than what people expected of me. People. I was anything but happy, i was devoid of much emotion, devoid of attachment to anything or anyone, so much so that i was beginning to feel like a hollow shell.

In retrospect , the one incident still painfully etched in my mind was a call from my mum. One of her sobbing over the other line, my god-grandma had passed on. She was a lady i loved so dearly, caring , understanding , fiercely independent even at 90 and full of spunk. I shed narry a tear, i felt nothing, what was i?

You'd think that so much sacrifice, so much of me that i had lost would at least be justified? But no. I got a 9 , no where near the 6 i wanted. I saw the looks of concern and sorry that classmates threw me when my name wasn't flashed on that huge screen that housed the roll of honours. The almighty audrey goh, one of the few 6 pointers for prelims, had fallen off her pedestal. Crushed was an understatement.

In the months that followed i left the incident at the back of my mind, basking in the joys of love and money earning , telling myself to start anew. I was happy, until school started and unearthed the nightmare i thought i'd buried deep. A small PIPC quiz and there i was tolling into the night, the content a blur and then i broke down, because i nothing was going in, i was barely comprehending anything. What was it worth? 1 per cent of my final grade? And there i was reliving my o level days.

Thereon charted my path of a downward spiral. Torturing me with resonating thoughts that hardwork never pays off. I lost every ounce of interest in school, craving to have what i never allowed myself to have. Freedom, love, fun and happiness. I flew with my heart and clean forgot that i could never navigate without my head. There i was collecting extrinsic tokens of life like they were trophies, thinking that they meant happiness. But what i failed to see were the ugly, rotten holes within me that i never patched up or mended. Disgusting infestations that would eat at me while i was alone, while i was without distractions that i mistook for harbringers of happiness. I was still that sad little girl on the inside, but with different painted scenes on the shell.

I fell further. I gave my all to guys, thinking that love was all i needed. And slowly, as i crawled deeper into their arms, i left behind what made me , me. It showed with my studies, then my blogshop and finally dance. They din't love me for me, they loved what i did for them. What else could it be then ? I was asked to change extrinsic aspects of myself that werent for the better of a relationship but more to fit into their shallow mould of a stepford girlfriend, i was giving my all, forgoing the things i was supposed to do so i could travel back and forth to their houses, to show my face at outings, to spend time with them at their demands. When i couldn't make it , or when i didn't want to go due to things i wanted to do, i was met with displeasure. Some even went to the extent of telling me they'd hate the things i loved doing because i couldn't spend time with them. I relented, foolish, foolish me. I expected lesser and i never got more, was my happiness any less important than theirs? The facade they'd put up from the start couldn't hold, the promises of change couldn't hold, even with a given chance i knew deep down that the cracks would soon start to show. Never, never put up a facade if you can't keep it up. There were no happy endings, no amiable goodbyes, everything came to a close on cracked notes. Sure, i broke hearts, some over again, but sacrifices? I never asked for them, i never made anyone sacrifice anything. Their lives went on as it did before i stepped in. Sure there were happy times, times that i were glad of, times whereby i pushed aside the broken bits to see the joy of love's company, times that i would forever thank them for, but those happy times could and would never ever make up for what i lost.

My stupidity finally took a toll and i sought self-gratification , I needed to do something to comfort myself that i wasn't useless. I had to take pocket money from my mum for a week, and that was the greatest low i could ever allow myself to go, to lose my financial independence. That's when i joined Powerhouse. Despite the unhappiness that it brought to some of the relationships i had to those around me, it is something that i would forever be thankful for. I learnt a lot in those few short months, i met amazing people be it colleagues or customers and i was slowly finding myself. It wasn't easy, juggling late nights, school , dance and emotionally draining problems. But i clung on. At the pinnacle of stress, i would always be thankful for a friend who was there on the phone with me, sadly, whatever ties i had build with that person will forever be broken and I have since moved on.

Months on , here i am. Things are scrambled about here and there , I'm nowhere near where or who i want to be, but with the scrambled pieces that i've picked up, I take a step to them each day. And the support from those closest, makes each step so much more bearable: My best friends Gordon, Nina, Jonas and Brian who would check up on me with encouragements. My grandma who was once the feared empress dowager i was very close to hating (but has now mellowed down) , boils me tonic ever so often , calls once in a while and keeps me in her prayers. My aunty ( also lovingly known as my godma ) who was always the second mother to me. My brother who constantly encourages me with GO STUDY NAOs and incentives of treats of beef to get me going. My mum who has in these few months, at the peak of my difficulty or growing up to put it nicely, has started to understand me more as i open up and shows her support in the most amazing way any child could ask for. During my exams, i had to constantly smoke to calm my nerves down as i burned the night with my head in books. Despite hating it and being greatly upset by the fact , i woke up one morning after she left for work and there on my table was a glass container half-filled with water and a note lovingly written by her that said " Darling, for your butts, please quit after your exams " . I nearly burst into tears after reading the note, that night itself i talked to her of my plans and fufilling my dad's last wish of completing university, something i once threw out of my head. And finally my loving boyfriend Joel, who is more than i could ever ask for in a guy. Constantly showering me with love , care and affection, enduring my emotional breakdowns and telling me that right from the first incident he made a promise to stick by me. He wakes me up everyday for dance or studying even though i have the worst snooze reaction hardwired into myself, chases me off into bed so i have enough rest and never throws a tantrum when i oversleep because he wants me to get more. Random calls from camp would always be punctuated with a " Have you eaten? ", because he's always afraid i'd skip meals. He listens to me as i drone on with the details of life he's missed out but affect me now, like the story above , tries to understand each nuance and notion of it and ends it with a hug and a " what doesn't kill you makes you stronger ". Little things he do that nudge me on my way each day always cheer me up, yesterday was one. He sprung a surprise visit on me as i was sweating it out at training, dropped a burger into my bag and sat at the bench of TCC and just watched me dance. We din't even have a chance to talk as my training was ongoing, communication was as much of the little eye contact i could give, and gigantic heart handsigns that i could afford. I din't even have a chance to say a proper bye, but he din't mind.

So here's my 4 years whittled down to a blogpost of painful lessons, I've never thought that I'll put it up here but now that I've moved on from everything, I finally can bring myself to. It used to be a miasma for a future, it still is but there's a blurred light through the fog now, a point of meaning and destination to my life despite the path yet ventured ahead.

Falling down is hard, but picking yourself up is even harder. But regardless of how long it takes, it's still the most important. I took 4 years, 4 fucking years is a bloody long time. I'd look at these memories in the future relishing the good times i had and the bad? They'd serve as lifetime lessons for when i look back on the past, it'll no longer be a " why do i still feel that i'm still there " but a great big " FUCK YOU, BYE ! ". I type this post not only to lock it in as a memory for myself, but also in hopes that maybe (despite how obscure my blog is) one day some poor soul who is on the verge of throttling down the same path i did, could save himself in time to escape such a crazy tumble, or helping someone who is on the road of similar destruction to heal faster to get back on track. After all, a clever mans learns from his mistakes but a wise man learns from the mistakes of others.

Here's a sweet goodnight to anyone who has used up about 20 minutes of their lives to read this tale and may you be blessed to never be anywhere near the beaten path horribly stomped upon by me. And here's me signing out to kiss my bpharm notes, I AM GOING TO KILL YOUR ASSES YOU FUCKING DRUGS MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Mwah.

And here's my baby Liner, telling every stressed out person to chill out :3

And the sparrow on weed screeched.

Warwick Avenue/ Sweet Disposition

2011-03-15T00:14:00.000-07:00

3.58 in the morning...

2011-03-13T13:21:00.000-07:00

I'm just done packing my room and I started at 11.oopm. That clocks in at 5 hours but considering the state of chaos my room was in before, I am wonderful. Seriously, there was barely space for me to walk, I had to hop from one tiny empty space to another tiny space to another tiny space to manoeuvre through my room. And yes, not much tiny space for me to hop either. Staring at my fruits of labour makes me so happy I could hop around in circles clapping my hands in glee. The best part of it? MY WARDROBE IS NEAT. NO MORE TEARING THROUGH EVERYTHING TO FIND SOMETHING AGAIN. Keep it that way audrey, keep it that way.

Some Eagles to start off the week...

(just realised the wrong video's been up ._. this is the correct one)

And this gorgeous pas de deux . WOW, like seriously, WOW. I always wanted to dance with my partner and sadly or fortunately, I've never had the chance to do so. So far the best that baby and i have done, is training taekwondo kicks and doing seperate dance styles at the same time.oh well,

AT LEAST MY ROOM IS NEAT TEEHEEEE.

Good night! It's gonna be 7 hours of dance for me later.

Classics always burn in my mind.

2011-03-13T01:36:00.000-08:00

2 weeks and a little more till I can loosen the corset in my mind... the one holding me up so tightly I can hardly breathe, the one hugging me in hopes of my attaining perfection though I'm far from it. 20 days seem like so much of a struggle, but there're miles to go before I sleep... but, but what if my time is up and i snuff out at dawn?

My heart goes out to those affected by the Japan tsunami, I'm just glad that those I love are safe and sound. When my mum talks about the world, she sounds far more jaded than her 50 years.. it's the knowing, the the words but the saddest part is the weariness. And this is why i hate flipping the papers, it's filled with so much negativity, but people get used to the pain and what could be worse than getting used to tragedy?

When the 20 days finally bid me farewell, i shall catch a movie alone then lie in bed all day reading and puffing to nothing but The Eagles.

Nothing was ever truely indispensable until you walked in and threw me off completely. You peel off the layers that hid what was once scared to be seen, you caress me with such grace that from pleasure i would wince, you put out the fires i breathe that once sent them all running, you hold me when i'm shaking with fear your voice calming and soothing, you wipe away my tears when they wouldn't stop flowing, and the deepest gem of all that you could ever be, was to look into my soul and love me for what no one else could ever see.

And here i am standing, no creature of habit for love, telling you that i love you and i always will

Wowza

2011-03-12T23:08:00.001-08:00

And the sparrow on weed screeched.

Arctic Monkeys and Unicorns

2011-03-09T08:19:00.000-08:00

Barney came up with the Lemon Law.

I came up with the Unicorn Law.

And,

Happiness is like a Unicorn.

Lunch

2011-03-09T02:03:00.001-08:00

Sweetie came all the way down from cathay after his cohesion to have a short meal with me, and he's back on his way to hougang to meet lyone. Yep, those seven words are ringing in my head again. Here's lunch with curry yong tau foo that was too salty, awesome barley, folding tiny paper cranes and tons of photos.

And the sparrow on weed screeched.

fuck you hotmail

2011-03-08T10:03:00.000-08:00

As much as my icky_zee_zee hotmail is lame since way back in pri 4... I DO STILL LOVE IT VERY MUCH. And the inconveniences i'd have to bear when i get a new one PFFFFFFT. stupid, stupid spam, stupid spam maker. Now i'll have to wait for mr goh to save my sorry little ass when he's back because nothing i'm doing is working ... and i'm on the verge of pounding my laptop DEAD.

awww my boyfriend is so adorable ( >_< ) ! He just called and i love it when he does it

J: baby i can't sleeeep ( drawly whiny voice )

A: whhhhyyy?

J: cos i miss yooou and you're not here for me to hugggg.

A: AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.

SO FREAKING ADORABLE AND SWEEET ! sigh, now i wish he were here to hug me ):

weekend

2011-03-06T12:57:00.000-08:00

I survived the CD2 paper on a sleepless night with redbull and cigarettes. One to psyche me up enough to keep me awake and the other to lull me out of anxiety. Right after that nightmare saw me in retail haven, traipsing from shop to shop glad that i finally got my ass out of the house to look at things physically. Lunch with william before he enlists was a complete failure, people not bothering to reply, people saying yes and disappearing till hours later. It became a change of crowd to me, william, jeremy, amanda , jayden and joel. The funny thing is joel came down to tamp instead of me headed up to changi just so he could meet william, in the end he met everyone else but william. I'm going to miss that kid when i head back to powerhouse. Finally sat on a bike after sooooo long and damn it felt soooooo good. Joel and i left to pack dinner home for our routine movies and this week it was Peter Pan. The resemblance between jeremy sumpter and him, is pretty damn uncanny. The night ended with me concussing on the bed and joel calling my mum for permission to let me stay so i could rest the whole way, got the green light! And i slept happily every after that night.

Next day was running about day from bishan for I AM NUMBER 4 to raiding lyone's house, to bugis for expensive D: steamboat and bishan again and finally joel's place again. We started on our HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER spree.

We decided to head down to esplanade to taste test muffins. One of joel's exes made him accompany her down to esplanade almost every day to have them, we got the exact same thing... and nope they weren't good enough to justify such demands. Funny the things people are willing to do for the ones they love, at their own expense.

More sleep, more how i met your mother and the night ends with sweetie teaching me kicks , me rolling about his front porch (as usual) as we talk, raiding the fridge with aaron and lyone and finally I'm back home again.

I'll Try / Heart Skipped a Beat / Rain

2011-03-01T04:49:00.000-08:00

2011-03-01T00:23:00.001-08:00

So i have just concluded my 7th visit to the doctor in a month and left 52 bucks poorer and a bag of drugs and a nosepump to my name. My doctor must love me, i have got to be his most loyal customer, even the receptionists recognize me. The fever is still haunting, the nose is still dripping, the cough is still hacking and my doctor is still confused. Sigh, if only they had a membership card with rebate points i'd be able to redeem a antibiotic cannon in no time HAHAHA. Okay lame, ocupational tendencies, i miss powerhouse ):

And the sparrow on weed screeched.

Location:Bloody drugs

2011-02-26T22:49:00.001-08:00

And the sparrow on weed screeched.

two that struck a chord.

2011-02-26T02:35:00.000-08:00

Artists can color the sky red because they know it’s blue. Those of us who aren’t artists must color things the way they really are or people might think we’re stupid

Sometimes it seems safer to hold it all in, where the only person who

can judge is yourself.

2011-02-25T02:47:00.000-08:00

As i type this with a woozy head, I'm just glad that I'm moving on with life. 2010 was a mad and bad year for me, 2011 just started and I can't wait to get over with school, 2012 would be a year of trying and 2013 would be the year i crawl back to my books. The thought that I have something marked out in life's calendar is comforting, even at the slightest.

Sometimes, I'd like to live like the puffs of a dandelion, going where the wind would take me.

Sometimes, I'd like to live like the Mayan calendar, a whole string of events planned out.

Other times, I'd just like to sit by my window and puff as i watch the clouds roll by, thinking that now and no other time but now, is more than i could ever ask for.

I think life would be really good if i had a right mix of sometimes and sometimes and other times. overlapping and interlooping at all the right times.

And now would be the time for me to down my meds and concuss on my bed for a couple of hours.

2011-02-24T06:06:00.000-08:00

37.5 degree celsius after subsiding, $34 medical bill, 2 day MC, 2 supp papers to take >:(

This sound reminds me of a 50% dark choco bar,

it tastes bittersweet.

In spite of me

2011-02-23T05:34:00.000-08:00

Weeds are flowers too, once you get to know them.

Would you try then?

you haven't seen the last of me.

2011-02-20T09:23:00.000-08:00

she bangs she bangs

2011-02-20T08:28:00.000-08:00

Yes i was laughing ... alot. Hopefully karma doesn't bounce back to me? But of course, if my boyfriend tries anything like that, he's going to end up as my chewtoy. I loved the milk carton one most, i should try it on joel one day.

and.....

I got bangs. This is me, sans makeup you can see my hidden double eyelids when i tilt my head upwards! They are quite annoying honestly, because even tho i look like i have single eyelids, the hidden doubles tend to 'eat up' my eyeliner. So supposing I paint on half an inch thick of eyeliner, it looks like less than half of half a inch when i open my eyes. And when i close my eyes to nap, everybody just gets the shock of their lives. How convenient.

Burn baby burn

2011-02-19T06:56:00.001-08:00

Squeezing my brain juice dry over mbio, or what's left of it anyway. Sometimes i wish i could pack the library desks home, i do like them very much. Memorize regurgitate memorize regurgitate memorize reeee.... Trying to keep the war cry going. This shit is killing me, i've given up trying to make sense of shapes.

And the sparrow on weed screeched.

breakeven

2011-02-17T07:51:00.001-08:00

low low low

2011-02-17T06:26:00.000-08:00

So... I have ditched my lil moleskin for a bit now because my posts in there are pretty-fucking-sad. Since no one is going to read my diary safe for my boyfriend with my permission, it gets to the core of whatever crazy emotions I experience, which sometimes makes me even sadder like WHY THE FUCK AM I CONFIDING IN THIS BLACK BOOK WHICH WOULD NOT RESPOND.

Then again, that is exactly why i am always 'talking' to my diary, simply because it doesn't respond. I don't have to go through the arduous notions of digging through my memories and shovelling through my emotions to bring out the essence of whateverthefuckisbotheringme to put it down piece by piece to my confidante and hope for a complete form of comprehension. When their response makes me realise that they missed the point, i feel like a complete gawking idiot .But it isn't her/his/their fault... I'm just terrible at expressing myself through speech. Which makes it worse because if i feel so strongly for something that i actually need to confide in someone and i fail... it just doesn't do justice to the emotions.

That said, I'm still awfully thankful to those around me who bother to listen to my awkward ramblings. Awkward because I'm not just stumbling on my words, I'm also trying to supress my emotions so my confidantes don't have to worry about comforting a bawling emotional wreck.

and also this....

Sometimes i find sharing problems a complete waste of time, not because the other person's an ass, but rather the fact that you have to have to dig through all that emotions and mess again to relate it to them. Everything bad ends up manifesting and you feel worse having to relive it all over again, and then you think " would it have been better if i just laid in bed stoning and going MEH to everything ".

Actually... I just intended to touch upon how low my self esteem hit today and the amazing number of FUCKS+FUCKYOUS that spiralled through my head. And how i mentally ran through the lists of extremelyfuckeduppeoplewhointurnfuckedmeupbecauseiusedtohaveapatheticwillpower that i have met. Well, it always takes two hands to clap. And how i feel as though i'm just sprawled on all fours munching the dust that got kicked behind. Could do with a hug now, especially one from the little tagged rascal who is currently on an 'adventure' hacking through the jungle with machetes ._. MEH. He'd better come back in one piece.

Good night, I'm gonna canoodle with some magazines and my notes. It's been a rough day.

how strange life is

2011-02-16T07:57:00.000-08:00

I remember one morning getting up at dawn, there was such a sense of possibility. You know, that feeling? And I remember thinking to myself: So, this is the beginning of happiness. This is where it starts. And of course there will always be more. It never occurred to me it wasn’t the beginning. It was happiness. It was the moment. Right then.

THE HOURS, CLARISSA VAUGhn

and of words of fervent fever

2011-02-15T21:19:00.001-08:00

I let joel into the house at 6.05am this morning expecting my mommy to half kill me since the only notification was a short little text to her ( from my room @ 5.30am haha ) going on about how my boyfriend's gonna be a sad little puppy dog cos he's locked out... oh but she was so happy to see him ! Twice she came into the room while he was sleeping soundly on my bed while i was sprawled on the floor and in a low voice said to me " He looks so cute when he sleeps ! " and " Aiyo he looks so cute if he were a baby i'll happily carry him * does rockabyebaby motion " . And she even bought food for us, ALOT of food. Damn my mommy's so sweet, sweet and adorable. I love her so much.

That aside i can't remember when was the last time someone was willing to abandon the comforts of their home to camp out at my shoddy place for hours just to accompany me while i was doing work, or to really take care of me while i'm half dead , or to jet down to my place just to sit in lecture with me , or play with all my six kitties and just... not mind me being me, and everything about me even my house. hmmm.. i don't remember wishing on a shooting star for such a sweet guy. So how did i get so lucky?

Been sick for quite a few days now, i never knew that ear drums were responsible for balance and my doctor suspects my flu virus invaded my ears. The upside, my giddy medication can be used for motion sickness! The greatest downside is how much money's gone to the doctor's in a month, about 100 ? Damn. Yep my cough is still haunting me annoying.

Just to share some good music!

here's

GREENORBLUE

FACEBOOKGREENORBLUE

And the sparrow on weed screeched.

perfection.

2011-02-15T06:31:00.000-08:00

First is that I'm utterly in love with Miyavi's intro for Selfish Love.

Second is that I'm utterly/crazily/headoverheels besotted with that bag. The first bag i've ever seen and went WHOOOOOA *cues sparkly eyes* and just my luck that UO has tons of affordable bags...but this one came with a $198USD pricetag * cues sad face *

Happy vday

2011-02-14T10:05:00.001-08:00

First Valentine's a day early with me getting colours on my handmade vday card which ended with it in an explosion of water-coloured flowers and the words " Happy 1st Valentine's Sweetheart" scripted on in colour pencils. As i leave it to dry and run to the door to fling it open , I see my boyfriend with a single blue rose in his right hand coupled with a shocked face at my abrupt appearance. Just as the metal gates creak open with a slight push , he draws out two more roses from behind him and i quite positively melted whilst staring at him. I loved how delicately he held on to my handmade card and read it's contents with such a boyish grin before carefully putting it into the crinkled brown envelope that held two other lovey-store-bought cards. All these was followed by a banging lovely surprise for the both of us and out we go. Traipsing around the malls till it's time to head back for dinner and cosying around waiting for friends to pop by. Passed with the hours and bedtime arrives. My favourite time with him is always bedtime regardless of the time of day. Those moments just before we sleep when we'll talk about everything and anything all calm and relaxed till we succumb to heavy lids and finally cosy up to each other's warmth, we know the procedure. How he'll prop the pillows up because he has to sleep with double pillows, how i'll lift my head up so that his arm could slide just under my neck, how i'd sleep with my back to him safely encased in his strong arms, how i'd curl up with my face to his chest while he wraps his arms around me and how i'd always stay awake just a few moments longer than him just to watch him sleep, feel his steady breathing and thank god that he's just right by my side. The happiest moments of a couple's life are possibly those simple times... like waking up for no rhyme or reason in the middle of the night, realising that hours have passed yet you're still in the same cuddly position you guys were in hours before, or realising that through the night the both of you have contorted into weird little positions at far ends of a huge bed, but yet he's still holding on to you, even if it's in the slightest. And perhaps even how he bothers remembering all your cats' names ;)

Hinder- Without You.

2011-02-10T21:27:00.000-08:00

and the wind blows over the grain, but why haven't you changed.

2011-02-10T05:34:00.000-08:00

And i throw my head back and howl in laughter, along with my close little pack of wolves.

Insipid. Insipid. Insipid.

And in the perfect sound of apathy. MEH.

Ironically, I never knew bland coffee could still amuse me.

wowza tomzzz

2011-02-10T05:09:00.000-08:00

And isn't that square device so awesome?

TOMS SHOES AT FORTY BUCKS :D

Are there 9 other people who would like to pool orders with me?

Or one other person who would like to buy 9 pairs?

It'll be pretty nice to save another $4 bucks :D

After much deliberation with joel over the phone we narrowed it down to black/navy canvas classics and the black natural burlap...

AND THE NATURAL BURLAP WINS.

J : They're nice baby! Get them !

A: Do you want one ?

J: No. Prisoners wear that.

A: ( -.O ) But you just said they were nice...

J: They'll look nice on you but when guys wear them it reminds me of prison. I used to wear them in prison!

A: Oh.. so what colour should i get ! ( rattles on .... )

RAWR. my silly boyfriend.

crows zero

2011-02-09T05:24:00.001-08:00

snippets from a sauna

2011-02-07T18:52:00.000-08:00

J1: Don't you think it's a little too fast to get engaged to A?

J2: No.

J1: Yea i guess guys always know when the girl's the one.

J2: She's the one.

2011-02-07T18:44:00.000-08:00

MONDAY IS VALENTINE'S DAY! :D din't realise it until sweetheart called me from camp with the camp phone and went " Do you know where to buy blue roses ( -.- ) ... and im taking off on monday ! " which was met with my WHY? and followed by his " WHYY?! "

Which made me realise... 7 + 7 = 14 = VALENTINE'S DAY :D (7 is sexaye little gordy's birthday btw :D :D ) . awwwwwwwwwwwwwww. I'm not exactly the crazy valentine's day girl but it's just fun to look forward to since that cute little thing and i don't celebrate monthsaries.

This was just an excuse to excuse myself from bpharm and

I HAD THE BEST CNY EVER :D

Is love alive?

2011-02-01T09:23:00.000-08:00

People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life."

— Eat, Pray, Love

You know how your reflection looks in a mirror, it's very much identical but sometimes you look at it and you feel like that person staring back at you feels... like it isn't you. It could be the lighting, the specks of dust on the mirror, or how you always look into the mirror but you weren't exactly seeing your reflection. You were just looking. Then there's the way your reflection mirrors you, the direct opposite of all your actions. But... it's still you.

And when you look hard at your reflection, you might see things you've never once noticed before. It could be how dark and round your eyes are, how your lashes are long and fluttery, how your skin glows, how your lips curve into a perfect little cupid's bow, how your hair cascades down in sweet little waves, how delicate your fingers are, how your waist goes down in a feminine curve... All your good points that you've overlooked.

And then there's that parading of an army of annoying black heads on your nose, the split ends waving at you with their little flicks, how your christmas dinner is showing, how your laughlines are laughing back at you... and you think to yourself " I need to take care of myself more, some changes would be nice " .

That's tantamount to what your soulmate does. Your soulmates rediscovers the good in you that you once forgot and you learn to appreciate yourself more. Your soulmate points out the little flaws in you that when changed, could make you happier. But just like your reflection, your soulmate never does the changing, never tries to... it's always up to you.

You can be yourself around your soulmate, because even though he isn't you, he makes you feel so comfortable, so at ease ... that you think you're being around yourself. But you're not alone. You'd ask for space and he'll give it to you, he'll love you just as much as you love him, he'll want you to have happiness as much as you want him to, because he understands you, he's not you, but he knows you.

And to find a soulmate in a lover, that's all that anyone could ask for.

When you're buck naked under the sheets just cuddling and falling asleep, you can smile yourself to sleep ..forgetting the world.

For at that moment... that moment is all that matters.

2011-02-01T06:27:00.000-08:00

I look at you. What you are, have been and most likely, will always be.

It's sad really, the assumptions haven't waned.

succumb

2011-01-31T09:11:00.000-08:00

And so now i shall succumb to the seductive drawl of my drowsy meds. My body hurts like a bitch , my lungs are clogged up from cough and i have a bpharm test tomorrow... and 4 hours of streetjazz. After two hours of sleep, i shall (hopefully) be awake and stay that way for the sake of my drugs. How ironic.

that little vow

2011-01-30T08:35:00.000-08:00

wanderlust

2011-01-17T08:11:00.000-08:00

I did a shoot for Max sometime last week at Wanderlust. That place is just WOW. The room he booked was amazing, space themed in black cosy and all. Sweetie came over after his camp so we could do some shots together and we've agreed that anniversary would be spent here, it's definitely perfect for a couple getaway.

I haven't done this whole posing in pictures thing for a really long time, since kohlandrouge and all the helping out of design students and as expected I'm still awkward in front of the camera. Not as much as the past cos my ego is slightly more inflated now and also because Max is wonderful to work with (:

So here goes, my favourites out of the 400+ that we took ._. Those with the boy are still with max, i can't wait to see those because those pictures are PHOOF *fans self*.

2011-01-16T04:35:00.000-08:00

That are two things in life that never fail to comfort me :

1) lying in bed hugged by the one i love

2) being around my cats

Kitty yes i have, i wish i could have the first right now.

2011-01-11T17:32:00.000-08:00

It's supposed to be a good morning, the night up till now has been cool enough for me to happily snuggle under my comforter. And there's no better way to wake me up in the morning than to do it with sweet, little accusations. How vile. How much it makes me want to smoke an entire pack whilst huddled under the blanket with my room door finally closed and a huge sign saying " FUCK OFF ".

It's moments like this that make me wonder " Why ask if you're not going to trust what the other person says ? " . Really, why ask? It's like the plaintiff wants to make you believe that you did wrong just to comfort himself that he got it right. There are days when everyone does try to pull off a lie, and when that happens , the thought that grows is SCREW OFF. But when it's about getting maligned, it's ugly. I think it's pretty hideous to wrong someone with so much gusto, what are you trying to do? Mindfuck me?

It's days like this these that make me feel so out of place from the brood. I know i stick out like a sore thumb, everything about me just doesn't fit in, it's like the stork delivered me to the wrong house. There are the good days when the whole place is bounding with affection making me feel so lucky to be part of this and there are the bad days like today. And the alright days which turn bad if i think hard enough because it's all a front, it's all comfort and I'm still the weirdo with a completely different frequency. I am one person who could never get use to animosity and that weirdass hot-then-cold attitude. DECIDE. Don't go all hard on me and moments later, bugged by your conscience because you think I'll break as easily as an eggshell, then decide to pull the soft think. Does. Not. Work.

I'm rambling about like a pathetic angsty teenager but oh fuck it, 7 more months and i hit the TWO-OH. Bloody fast. And checking back the dates, it's been about 3 weeks since that incident and it's still seared in my memory, livid. Disgusting. I have never felt so betrayed in 19 years than that one night, that was one foul experience. Foul enough to make me turn away from my religion. I still believe in god but no longer in religion. Every talk about religion, any idea of being attached to it more than i'd like just turns me off.

And then they ask me about change. This is life, this is living it, truely. Not everyone out there has their own brand of tarot cards reading into their next step so cautiously, they seem to be doing fine, so why cant we? I wont argue tho, just out of respect. But you can pull my body where but that doesn't mean my heart's going to be there.

I feel so much better just shooting that all out, phew.

It's going to be one long but interesting day ;)

Some pictures to cheer myself up

Yeeeeeah. I feel better already.

OH HAI.

2010-12-27T10:10:00.000-08:00

It's been quite a bit for me till now , I'm doing fine , pretty awesome in fact. Considering options here and there, nothing set in stone, still a miasma in the couple of tumbles ahead... but i guess that's what i like about everything now. New year in a bit, time just whizzed past this year, kind of scares the shit out of me the way it is. But wow, it's been a year? I still remember the first blog entry i entered for 2010, how my countdown was like, how my year started, nearly almost every detail, every notion every motion, at every way. And now POOF, it's all gone. Madness.

I'll save the annual wrap up post for another time, it's been one crazy year. As the new year rolls in it's time to bid farewell to my good friend, sampoerna. It's 2.20am now, i feel the need to talk to someone, not upset just moody but then again, it's 2.20 am... I'll be a tad of an insensitive asshole if i wake someone up to talk about well, i dont know what as well. Just moody. The thoughts are floating about in my head like clouds, kinda changing all the time. Here's where my dear little sampoerna sits by me and comforts me , what a scent really, I'm so going to miss you. Company best enjoyed at moments like this.

Why am i up now? MBIO. SIGH. It's hard to be motivated in school when everything's irrelevant to what i want in the future. Hasty choice of course when i was still ermmmm ... affected. Do i regret it? Nah. I'm glad how everything turned out, what i learnt in life in this 3 years and every step of the way, people i've met. Then there's now, i finally know what it feels like to be happy. I've never felt this way before, to just live for the present for what i have, it's always been the mad rumbling with the past, present and future. And now, it's just NOW. You have no idea how long i've been searching for this moment, i thought i'd never find it.

Well, sweet dreams.

eat.pray.love

2010-12-14T17:23:00.000-08:00

"Let it be sufficient to say that, on this night, he was still my lighthouse and albatross in equal measure. The only thing more unthinkable than leaving was staying; the only thing more impossible than staying was leaving. I didn't want to destroy anything or anybody. I just wanted to slip quietly out the back door, without causing any fuss or consequences, and then not stop running until I reached Greenland."

It's all going to be fine, your life will take off and all that happened would remain memories, you'd find someone who fits with you like lock and key, and you will be happy. I know you will :)

2010-12-13T08:24:00.000-08:00

When words are put down in black and white, things can get sad. Because the person's not there to see the other's expression, to hear the tone of their voice and to feel what's really going on. They take what they see, flee with the loose pieces and fill in the gaps with what they believe is true. Misconstrued? Maybe. Misunderstood? Maybe. Misled? Maybe. Misinterpreted? Maybe.

Sigh. I know what they all mean, i'm not dumb.

But before assumptions are made, has anyone ever been able to pinpoint and be so sure of what i've been writing about? No. What could mean this to me, could mean that to you. It may seem this way to you, what are you so sure it's exactly what i mean? When you look down into a pool, it seems so much shallower than it really is, it's a matter of perspective and if you trust your assumptions, you might drown if you can't swim. It would have caught on regardlessly, how bittersweet.

close that door.

2010-12-13T07:56:00.000-08:00

I'm leaving this little space soon, it's a new start for me this time. Again.

I know what anyone who's been reading this post and following my entries would think,

"AGAIN?!" yep. Again.

I dont need a long time to tell, just these 2 days was enough. Jumping to conclusions and all, i don't know what's been circulating, what's been going through minds, what assumptions have been made. And neither do i care anymore, because my conscience is clear as crystal. I know my faults, definitely, but i also know what's right and what's wrong. What i should and should not do, what is for best and what is for worst.

I'm just looking forward to breaking the taboo :)

Thursday for the tests to be over, my two week break, and freedom. Finally.

And just to share this really sweet song that i heard.

2010-12-01T01:42:00.000-08:00

You can't say they're mad, they're just dancing to the music that they can hear... which you can't.

Fuck all you narrow minded people.

Noise

2010-12-01T00:16:00.000-08:00

Two incidents in two days, knocking on my front door and leaving a note that says

" Sweetie, it's never enough"

I know, i know, but the least is a little ... ?

This is tiring and i can't get used to it.

these days

2010-11-25T05:39:00.000-08:00

The past couple of days have been really tough, to have things just slap you in your face and scream STOP TRYING TO HIDE WITH THOSE SKELETONS. Pretty much everything that was meant to be hidden got discovered and strangely, it is liberating more than it is frightening. And it was really nice to have my mum look at my tattoo and say " at least yours is nice :D " , but that said i've promised i wouldn't get anymore, not in the near future anyway. Heart to heart talks always involve tears, tons of emotions, exasperation and finally love and though i always feel this need to bolt when i feel it coming, i'm always thankful for them.

Things have been changing so much in the past 3 months, before i've settled and cosy-ed into my new state, a wave of change just sweeps me off my feet again. I've grown so used to it, that when it happens all i do is to tell myself to 'breathe, breathe, breathe , it'll be alright'.

But finally, finally, this new start feels right. I've had so many 'new starts', 'new people', 'new thinking' but they were all anchored with this feeling of instability. Like if i were to have a slight tilt, everything would just fall out of tandem and be a mess. In short, i was trying to make believe that 'THIS IS IT' when they weren't. Faux comfort. Now, it really really does feel like it. As though the long and arduous road to the peak of the mountain was peppered with blue roses and baby's breath along the way ;)

back to it's rightful owner

2010-11-22T01:42:00.000-08:00

Day 1

2010-11-20T11:14:00.000-08:00

I know i seem completely self-absorbed here, BUT LOOK AT THE EYE MAKEUP! I fucking love it! credits for the eyeshadow goes to tiffany and it is gorgeous gorgeous gorgeous. The only make up im capable of is well.... eye liner and mascara. And the side braids goes to bing hui who was so sweet to help the entire reggae item braid.

It's the first day of performance and all i can say is, I LOVE MY REGGAE FAMILY! I've never felt THIS togetherness and hype doing any other reggae item and it's amazing. Reggae is shit tiring, plus the not so enthusiastic crowd today, this pushing each other and cheering each other on really makes a huge difference. Yelling for each other on stage and egging the whole group to a heightened state.... it's..... wow. (: I love you guys. Two more shows, which we're gonna burn it up even more. It's 3.31 i hope all my sexy little babies are happily resting in dreamland with sweet dreams, i cant wait to see them tmr !

And of course, my first lovely flower for the performance from yobo (: And a wonderful night. Sometimes you can't explain why things happen but they just do and for a reason. I'd love to see one of my mum's favourite quotes come true , till then, it's a hush. Good night world!

reggae

2010-11-19T08:57:00.000-08:00

3 shows and i've got to nail every single one of them. My first performance after this year's dry spell and i will fucking ace it.

That aside, I'm actually all welled up with emotions. It's been 3 years since my love affair with reggae started, the one genre that i rarely fumble with memorising steps and timing and the one i feel most at ease at, it's also the first genre that brought me into street dance.

It's the first time i'm dancing with a reggae group that feels so together, it's just slightly overwhelming and i know when those curtains close for a last time on sunday i'm gonna be bawling my eyes out. It's been a short few months, but i've learnt so much from the whole group, and carol esp who has been a wonderful mentor and inspiration.

That said, it also marks another year gone by.

It has been one crazy , crazy year.

same ol'

2010-11-18T12:55:00.000-08:00

Some things never change :D

WELCOME TO THE CLUB FATSO.

*puffs*

boyceavenue

2010-11-16T09:56:00.000-08:00

I'm not alone, but i felt alone today. Friend after friend who came up with a hug telling me it'll all be alright, guess their dear sparrow wasn't as chirpy as usual. I'm free now and i've told myself to go out and have some fun, to numb that ache. That's what i tell the world, that's what i remind myself, but it doesn't comfort me. It's all for novelty sake. If i had a choice, I would choose otherwise.

I ask myself, every night, countless of times, each incident after another... why does it all go the same way? Why does being nice to someone all the time mean you get taken for granted? Why does expecting lesser mean that you get lesser? Why cant people love you the way you are, instead of making you change to fit their mould? Why do they earn your trust and throw it all away? Why do you allow yourself to be so vulnerable? Why do you feel you're never good enough?

I used to wish for someone who could answer those questions for me, but now, I'll leave it as it is, I think a break is good. I always wondered why love in the relationship sense meant so much to me. Then i figured out, maybe it's because I've never seen that kinda love work in my family. It's like a chronic hereditary disease whereby marriages, just fail. And it doesn't help when you grow up having your mum and your grandma tell you ' don't trust anyone, don't ever rely on a man '. It just constantly feeds your cynicism about love yet you so wish you could be the one in the family to prove them wrong.

I have big dreams, I'm not the kind of person who could be content being average. Money's on my mind all the time, i want to see the world, i want to never have to worry about money, i want to have what i never had and i want to make it out on my own. But i know that at the end of the day, i don't want to be alone. I still want to be with that one special person who would be right by my side till the end. I want the warmth from a happy family, a family of my own.

But until that day comes, until that one person who walks right in and never has to answer that sea of questions but rather take them all away... my left rib is going to be bare (: That's how much love means to me. That one day when i finally know i'm there, it will be on me. For now, it's time to fill up my back ! And to dance and earn some fucking cash ;)

and here's love to the greatest brother in the world.

Proven right.

2010-11-15T01:00:00.000-08:00

This is the last straw for me.

They coat their words in sugar, promising you everything. As time goes, just like candy coat messes, everything starts to rot and there in front of you ...an ugly shell. But as that drops off, you realise a myriad of memories stand before you and you dont know which to keep and which to sweep. As time passes, taking things for granted always happens. But fuck human nature, why do people have to succumb to it's supposed existence? I had so many questions and doubts in my mind, so many that i wished i had someone to answer and to soothe them. But that was then, now im happy to be proven right, it hurts , but it makes things easier.

To every single memory i had with each one, it was a lesson learnt. Thank you to every one of you who taught me something.

FARID

2010-11-11T09:30:00.000-08:00

HAHAHAHAHAA.

so here i am 1:36am just back from reggae, god i'm so drained out. Training today was insane , i haven perspired so much in MONTHS. But it was good, considering my lifestyle now, and being able to last through the whole training, i give myself a huge pat on the back. IT IS A FUCKING AWESOME ACHIEVEMENT.

Right and the first person i talk to when i'm back , is Farid on skype, the pictures alone are enough. Totally made my bad day much better (:

I digress, but i thought alot today, in between the hugging my cats and crying part. I'm prepared for anything that could come now, how it all might end and all, definitely not holding my hopes up. I mean, it's been one too many occurrences, one after another. Human nature? Or just my luck? Sometimes i think it runs in the family and i'm fucking jinxed. I hope my prayers to my grandpa do come through, i've never ever depended on anyone to make my life right before. Or more like stop it from going wrong. I'm crossing my fingers.

fucking myself.

2010-11-11T02:34:00.001-08:00

I don't know if i've said this before, but i have this amazing ability to mindfuck myself.

And i'm also extremely extremely apt at it, really spiffy, it's convenient to have such a talent really.

All the hours i spend standing on the line, going nuts whilst trying decide which way to go exactly, which side is right. Then there are the people i hurt, because they can't comprehend me. Then again, with such a capability i fail to understand myself as well, so what the fuck do i do?

I can only wait for the moment to pass, nothing i think of calms me at all.

And then when it passes, all that goes through my mind is ,

what the fuck just happened? what the fuck is wrong with me? WHAT THE FUCK.

Months back , i actually thought i had bipolar disorder. There were days when i'd be all fine and cheerful and suddenly without warning, it can be any small incident or trivial thing said, and it would just snowball. I'll be lying on my bed, unable to function, crying, distraught and honestly, I didn't know what exactly caused it as well. Those were bad times, and i couldnt control them.

I don't want to go back to then again.

LET GO OF THE FUCKING PAST, AUDREY.

webcam

2010-11-10T07:25:00.000-08:00

for all that has happened, for all i believe in.

2010-11-09T00:34:00.000-08:00

So much to say, I'll be right back at this space real soon.

2010-11-08T05:43:00.001-08:00

Sometimes i look at myself in the mirror and i feel as though i no longer know the person who's staring right back at me.
I change too much, too many times.
And on top of that, there's the faltering.

2010-10-30T18:50:00.001-07:00

last night was terrible, i was so stressed and tired and disappointed that i broke down at somerset and called b1 who was so sweet to comfort me the whole way :) When i finally reached work things were okay, i dint get much sales in the first couple of hours, canons were all opened and so were bottles, and then i got fucking drunk again. And for the rest of the night, all i did was hide in the toilet. I am such a fucking idiot, i let the stress get to me again. Last night should have been the day of chalking up incentives....but no, stupid me got drunk. And to add a cherry to the cake, i lost my phone. My iphone dint cost me a cent and im actually missing my cover more than the phone because the phone has started screwing up on me , but still.... buying a new one is gonna cost me. And to add whip cream to the cherry on the cake, i've hurt my back, i fell in the toilet and the old injuries are acting up. My mum isnt helping either, she goes on about ' should have done this', ' should have done that', ' if you knew you should have blah blah blah' , well, no, i did not expect any shit like that to happen so quit harping on it. See? Regret regret regret. Fuck this seriously, it has been a fucking terrible week.

so fucking awesome

2010-10-29T22:55:00.000-07:00

Create a playlist at MixPod.com

sell me an ambience

2010-10-27T00:58:00.000-07:00

1. breathe.let go.freefall on a starbucks napkin
2. a random study session at starbucks
3. my favourite sandals at the moment, also at starbucks
4. this pretty little thing that hangs by my window
5. Name tags. One for real, one a birthday gift.
6. Kohl and Rouge design

Well yes, i do love Starbucks, very much in fact but i would never walk into Starbucks, buy a drink and head off elsewhere to drink it. I.have.to.sit.there. It's not that i dont think the drink's good enough to warrant just a 'drinking sake' , i think everything there is pretty awesome but really, that 5 bucks or more i part with is a whole experience i'm paying for. I'll be there hours on end, studying, penning down my thoughts, chilling with friends...and i love it. It's a great ambience they're selling, hence i buy it. That said, i wish they had a toilet, and i wish i had tons of cash to blow just to sit there the whole day and keep buying stuff.

School has been alright, it's just been lectures so i just turn up and sit alone amongst faces that are unfamiliar. And strangely, i actually do feel comfortable with it. I guess all the times of me just heading out and spending time alone has just come in handy as a habit.

mechanics of life

2010-10-25T07:16:00.000-07:00

Life never fails to catch me but surprise, it's amazing. Rewind 48 hours or so back and i was hugging the toilet bowl for 2 hours, snoring on the toilet floor from all the sake and having someone climb in through the window to unlock the toilet door .___. then another 24 hours later i'm watching discovery channel about bermudas, voodoos, cooking french toast and scrambled eggs while all these terrible thoughts run through my mind. Just hours ago, i was crumbled on my bed on the verge of just... slumping in on life again. And fast forward a few hours later, here i am in front of my comp, typing this entry and having this bright shiny goal in sight. Waaaaay far off from what i imagine, think a 100 folds better, and feeling like a new lease of life has really started. Hahaha, it's overwhelming, really, double S's for double the luck huh (:

And major love to my dearest saburiii <3 for being there, always always, the most understanding girl i have ever met.
And for now, time for some thrashing out, i no longer like such things hanging, it's now i waste of time for me.
Sweet dreams.

2010-10-24T22:43:00.000-07:00

Now there's only me, kohlandrouge, dance and my studies. I thought through so much today, in the company of so many but it's like i'm seperated and in my own bubble of thoughts. Whatever i believed in does hold true, whatever my mum has always been telling me about, holds true. Sometimes i do crave for that support i once had but i know this is the best as it can go now. It's been a wonderful weekend to end of my holidays and i couldnt ask for more. Time to move on, time to pick up. Breathe, it will all be alright.

2010-10-22T01:55:00.000-07:00

there's always an end

2010-10-22T01:23:00.000-07:00

Just how long exactly can the past keep you behind?
How long can it steal a place in your future ?
Breath, let go, freefall.
Right?

NANA

2010-10-19T13:12:00.000-07:00

so today after the whole ordeal in the morning of sitting in the office with chooi and my mum, i decided to have a little me time. I packed my pens , ipod, moleskin, iphone and set off to camp at starbucks to have a little mental 'unloading'. As i met my first kiss with sampoerna, the thoughts calmed like 3 notches or so, soothing me the way it always does.

Then for some reason i called nana and he told me " i'd be there soon! " :D like YAY. what's a nanaXayoballs gathering without briyanni? but he was X_X sick in bed sooooo ... yep.

In the time that i was waiting, my turbulent sea of thoughts kinda mellowed into gentle waves of thinking, much much better...and i penned them down without flooding my entire moleskin with emotions. Also i kinda drafted out my new ink, hahahaha but okay it looks kinda shitty but it's in my mind definitely the image. Once ive settled stuff here and there financially, it'll definitely be stuck on me soon (:

In the 5 hours that we sat at starbucks, on the floor outside century square , completely wiping out sampoerna and having a rat do a shuttlerun on us..... we covered alot. Life , love, the future, the people around us, our goals, money. It was a perfect catchup, and even more so seeing how we haven't really talked in months but when we finally do our thinking has grown and evolved to be the same. In fact it has always been, which is really funny but nice.

And i dug up a few photos of us, all dance events tho. And man, we've come a pretty long way. 3 years of being best brothers means a lot to me. People come and go in life and i realised that those who actually come the closest, often leave and walk the furthest. I treasure all these people who grow to be so close to me even more so. He's been my brother since pretty long when things dint work out as a erhem couple ( thank god because mevy is perfect ), through one of my worst relationships, hugging me while i bawled my eyes out, consoled me while i was in a mess, gave me one of the greatest advice and i had one of the craziest fun shrieking about in tcc. And now we've come to this.

i love you nanaballs!
epicballs for life and if you ever die, i'm not gonna cry, im gonna slap you so hard you wake up hahahahaha <3

paint it all the same shade

2010-10-18T07:44:00.000-07:00

1. winter wonderland in singapore
2. taking the flipside
3. one of the most special moments in life

A couple of days back , a friend, slightly distraught asked me if i was going to paint them in all the same predictable shades. I was kinda dumbfounded for a while, and then being completely honest i said yes. And then i grew incredibly sad at such a realisation, because well, you never know when your bubble's going to burst until it's time is up and it pops. oh, yet another reason to fuel the burning cynicism.

That aside, i had a talk with my mum today, there were so many thoughts just about to roll off the tip of my tongue and so much emotion i wanted to just spew out, but from a harvest of past experiences, i stopped. At times, I wanted to explode, at times i wanted to burst out crying, at times i wanted to run off make a phone call for a hug, and mostly i just sat there with the thoughts circling about like vultures in my mind. There's just so much regret in whatever she says, i hate that. I hate regret, i hate people regretting so much, it scratches at me like an annoying splinter. I guess it's just me, once the time has passed i know it's not coming back, i can falter i can wail i can flail my hands in the hand in exasperation, at the consequences, at what i missed but just never regret for wanting to change anything. I think that ' everything happens for a reason' phrase has really been etched into me. i might sit and mope and complain and be a bum and do completely nothing to change , or not try hard enough to but i never think about changing the past.

And ya know, that part actually scares me, because i realise how much more human you are when you actually feel regret. It's like i'm so selective with putting my emotions into something now, I'd actually even go through the process of evaluating something's worthiness of my emotions. seriously, what the fuck? And to a certain point i get past a moment so fast just by psychoing myself to just fuck it all. It works, like a wonder, but sometimes when i'm lying on my bed about to slumber, it keeps me up all night when i flip through the thoughts.

Oh yes, and if there's another thing i hate, it's making trivality out of another person's problems.
Sometimes i really hate how hard it is for me to really really just pour everything out to someone, raw emotions and all... doing that on a blistering cold rainy day, and have that person just cuddle me, wipe off my icky tears and mucus, wrap me in a comforter together with a mug of hot chocolate, then kiss my red nose and tell me that it's all going to be alright. Instead, i now choose to be a rock. A stupid rock. BAAAAAH.

2010-10-16T12:31:00.001-07:00

And the sparrow on sampoerna waves a white flag while hiding in the toilet. Im gonna whack every annoying customer who stands in my way with an ice bucket soon.

And the sparrow on weed screeched

Sampoerna

2010-10-16T05:36:00.001-07:00

Just done with vetting and i have to admit im disappointed with how i did. It's so tiring chasing butterflies the way i do now. Back to square one and the only thing truely comforting me is the fact that ive finaly broken the cycle. Now it's rushing off to work , pushing like crazy again, barely 4 hours of sleep... And i'm running alone, on adrenaline. I will get there, most definitely. I just hope it's soon or im going to burn out.

I miss that very night so dearly.

And the sparrow on weed screeched

Plasters to mend

2010-10-14T20:22:00.001-07:00

Wednesday was pretty much a double whammy for me, the realisation sinks in at work and it hurts like a crab pinching at my heart and i get cut by a broken rock glass.... Great.

So with heart and hand both wounded, i continue with work in a thunder-faced daze, man i wanted to just whack every annoying bugger out of the way, definitely not one of the best days at work. I cant function completely sober at work, and i did for 4 hours zomg i nearly went nuts.

Ahhh but yesterday was goood ^^ first i met my awesome gordy and then reggae was a blast and finally i watched a stupid ass movie but the small little gift above ended the day perfectly. Plasters to mend both my heart and hand, big fat hugs and thank yous to Smellie :)

And im keeping the plasters in my momento box. I still remember that about a year back i was bawling my eyes out outside asc, my ex pri school mate walked past and then came back with tissue. I still have the tissue wrapper haha. I hope today will be just as good as yesterday :)

And the sparrow on weed screeched

2010-10-12T02:14:00.001-07:00

Just done with the swatch event, read some stuff and i'm just at a loss. It's back to square one all over again, and we are back to this. It's hard to believe anymore, but it doesn' end because the past ensues, it pursues and it just chases up on me ... Why? How? And no, i dont know. It can't be the head holding me back can it?

Oh fuck you, audrey

And the sparrow on weed screeched

mixtape of images

2010-10-04T10:16:00.000-07:00

1. The first pair of kicks i fell in love with after shoe hunting for a couple of days.
2. An Annita Maslov work that i love
3. One of the most beautiful moments in life
4. Pencil @ Kupo.
5. Liz :) a few months back

Does it really matter if the glass is half empty or half full?
At the end of the day, as long as if it's your glass, you're just gonna want to fill it up. Simply because humans can't handle emptiness. As long as there's a void , it has to be filled. A vicious , near carnal need. For who could stand emptiness, really? It's so....awkward, undefined... neither here nor there. It hurts, and then again, does it really? It's like hanging off a cliff on only a rope, and it's got your wrist on a chokehold, you can't fall to your death, you can't climb back up to safety. Emptiness makes you insecure, it turns you into this desperate little creature scavenging on any ounce of hope, happiness, sadness, anything... just to patch that little hole, to comfort yourself even a little.

And just like a glass on the table, a small tip and all your water just spills out.
You're back to square one, how transient, how fleeting, how precious.
it's another fitful night, i don't know what's wrong. I'm scared, i scare the fuck out of myself. i thought everything was coming back on track, i thought life was with me again. but in moments like these, i feel like crying i know im going to cry and i haven't an ounce of an idea what to do. what the fuck is wrong with me?everything else isn't helping either, fuck the past that made me who i am today. fuck all the people all their stupid decisions that hurt me, fuck all those who blame me but never themselves, fuck all those who always took it out on me, fuck all those who mind fucked me, fuck all those who broke my trust and fuck all the selfishness.

2010-10-03T11:51:00.001-07:00

Now i cant get to sleep. Seriously? That was the stupidest reason ever to wake me up. Fuck . After nights of fitful sleep i thought i could finally get some proper rest. Those fucking thoughts are just eating at me again.

And the sparrow on weed screeched

Stake it

2010-10-03T06:28:00.001-07:00

And the sparrow on weed screeched

raving

2010-10-01T18:19:00.000-07:00

All that was on my mind through the fitful night,

as the seconds turned to minutes and minute to hours,

it finally simmered and i rolled into your comfort and finally slumbered.

Stark

2010-10-01T10:04:00.001-07:00

I hate nights like these. All is at peace but me, i cant sleep.

And the sparrow on weed screeched

Breathe. Let go. Freefall

2010-09-30T10:46:00.001-07:00

It's 1 in the morning , i've just washed up and am finally lying on my bed. Save for my desk, my room is in a terrible mess and it is strangely comforting somehow .i have no idea why because the mess around the rest of my house which i am not allowed to touch annoys the hell out of me. But that's besides the point.

I've actually just gotten back from reggae and dance has been on my mind , which ultimately leads me to think about my life in general, as always, but i'll leave that for my sexy little moleskin.

My muscles are aching, i'm tired as hell but god i feel good. I've forgotten how good dancing makes me feel, how weaving in and out of the music, how getting steps right, how adding my own flavour to it.... Makes me so happy. I watch as everyone improves while i'm left behind, i missed gems, i missed suntec and while everyone else is gaining control, flavour growing stronger getting better...i dont know if i've even made a step further than i did in gems 4. That really makes me sad, i know i was made to dance, it doesnt mean i'll be the best dancer , it doesnt mean that im good or will even be good it just means that i feel most at home dancing. I used to do so well in sprints when i was younger, and as i got to secondary school, i became really good with long distances after training for just a short time. But no matter how many people i ran ahead of , how many timings i topped, how many firsts i got, it just never made me as happy as dancing did. And i guess it's the same reason that after being out cold for two months because of my injury, i stopped running but i never stopped dancing.

Money In The Cap is a day away, my third battle this year and the first battle that im going so unprepared. I havent touched hiphop in 2 months, i just hope i dont make much of a spectacle of myself. And for once i hope i can enjoy my battles the same way i do when im in my own world moving to the music... Afterall, im now right at the bottom , i have nothing to lose :)

I've been like a lost sheep, the really stupid kind who gets found by the shepherd and then gets lost again. Countless of times. But no matter who many times i get lost, i just need to know that one day i'll finally recognise my way home :) and that's more than enough.

And the sparrow on weed screeched

Mocha latte

2010-09-28T02:49:00.001-07:00

I am back to being the starbucks girl.

And the sparrow on weed screeched

kupo X bra X smile on my face

2010-09-28T00:55:00.001-07:00

just the way you are

2010-09-27T22:52:00.001-07:00

steelheart

2010-09-26T19:31:00.000-07:00

Finally got my ink on saturday , got it done at Steelhearts under val's introduction and I'm really happy with it (: i think the tattooist, Edwin, was awesome ! He's not exactly your mr-friendly-sunshine but he's really nice, quiet but nice. And he's really particular about his works, zooming into perfection even for my simple script. Just a slight slanting in placement that's barely noticeable got him adjusting the stencils for 15 minutes and discussing with me which position might actually be better to fit the curvature of my body and all. Plus his studio is really gorgeous, i fell in love with the whole feel of it the moment i stepped in... I really liked how spacious and quiet it was, curtains to be drawn for privacy and all, and nice large adjustable-chair-bed thingy that was so comfy ( i was sitting and holding my shirt up in a highly uncomfortable position for 30 min for my previous one done at VO ) to lie on. I'm sold, I'm definitely going back to him for my future tattoos.

STEELHEART
for looks on his works/ sketches and all.

The full verse cant be seen in the picture, it actually says
" Everything happens for a reason, this too shall pass"
two seperate phrases that i fell in love with and when i joined them they made perfect sense hand in hand with the way i have been learning to live my life and i'd hold true to it the whole way (:

I know that one day when i look back, the dots are all going to connect, be it good times or bad, it will all come to pass. I'd grit my teeth through the bad times and treasure all the good ones , and live with no regrets.

have you met perfect?

2010-09-24T02:26:00.000-07:00

we'll take a bike ride and crash tonight,
and i'll float hauntingly into tomorrow's dream.

well i have.

HA.HA.

2010-09-24T01:11:00.001-07:00

One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight,

the man called the women a “bitch” and the women called the man a “bastard”.

Their son walked in and said “What does bitch and bastard mean?”

and the parents replied “ladies and gentlemen”.

The next day the parents decided to have sex,

the women said “feel my titties” and the man said “feel my dick”.
Their son walked in and asked “What does titties and dick mean?”

and the parents replied “hats and coats”.

On Thanksgiving the dad was shaving and he cut himself, “Shit” he said,

the kid came in and asked “What’s that mean” a

nd the man said it was the brand shaving cream he was using.

Down stairs the mom was preparing the turkey,

and she cut herself, “Fuck” she said.

Once again the kid asked “What’s that mean”

the mom said that is what she calls stuffing the turkey.

Then the door bell rang.

The kid answered the door to his relatives and said

“Alright you bitches and bastards, put your dicks and titties in the closet,

my dad is upstairs wiping the shit off his face,

and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey!

i wanted to put this on my fb status but it was too long, shit im still laughing.

sparrow on weed

2010-09-23T19:14:00.000-07:00

It will all get better.

Thank you bby, thank you nina and thank you gordy, love you guys (:

and it broke.

2010-09-23T01:39:00.000-07:00

I fell down on my way back today, tripped over analogs of sticks and stones and it hurt so badly. It still does. I thought i'd never fall like that, the possiblity did conjure up in my mind's eye and it scared me because the pain was so easy to imagine... yet i stupidly took the route because i believed that it'll be safe. But when such a belief is proven wrong in such a blatant sudden manner, it hits you awake, and then it hurts twice as hard. Because your trust was played out. Because your judgement let you down.

It's going to take a while for the wound to heal, but it will, just like all my others. In the meantime i wont be stupid enough to take the same route.

2010-09-20T10:28:00.001-07:00

Why am i working today? Why audrey whyyy?!

And the sparrow on weed screeched